Parallel Play

When children are developing social skills, there’s a stage where they learn ‘parallel play' - doing something on their own, absorbed in their own activity. As their independence and communication skills develop, they’ll usually transition in more interactive play. 

So far so good. But all sorts of gendered stereotypes have emerged from this behavioural observation. Articles pronounce that women bond face-to-face and maintain friendships through intimacy and support, while men bond side-by-side and forge friendships through shared activity.

Trouble is, there isn’t any academic evidence to support these gender-based generalisations.

Alongside the irritation of stereotypes being inaccurate, the other thing that bugs me about these articles is that they almost always suggest that face-to-face bonding is The Right Way to do things, casting side-by-side interactions as inately inferior.

But there is much to be gained from side-by-side conversations. For some people it’s easier to reach the sticky depths of your thoughts and feelings when you’re not under scrutiny. A revelation can emerge unexpectedly when you are on a walk with a friend, or driving in a car.  

Similarly, one of the themes of my workshops is to find an activity to distract your conscious mind, which allows space for unconscious creativity to emerge. Your unfettered unconscious is a far better artist than your control-freak conscious brain. 

In a drawing class, sitting side-by-side with other people, making marks on a piece of paper, you’re engaging that same part of the brain that toddlers are developing when they engage in parallel play. That part of you is probably less self-critical and more inventive than the areas of your brain you’re most used to.